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"It is better to keep on falling in love than to be too much in love"

    "If you make a blade too sharp, it becomes blunt in the end." Lao Tse

    "You cannot possess anyone (even sinners cannot do this); even though art is the only real way of possessing, it is not about laying one`s hand on a creature but about recreating it." Marguerite Yourcenar

For any person or artist, climbing up the tower of her own perfection is the fruit of her fight with her own duende. Not, as some would have it, with her angel or muse. This is a substantial difference that needs to be made when defining the essence of a work of art.

Having forgotten this, I obeyed the unfathomable laws of the karma and started an unequal fight with an unexpected love challenge. I have never been of the kind to egoistically sidestep some minor earthly obstructions so I "signed" hastily a "preliminary contract" with an unknown deity representing the Absolute. Total happiness followed.

In Galaad, the Angel (God Himself?) wounded Jacob by the spread of His wings. Anything superior to us, anything over which we have not triumphed is God. And if you think you are a very experienced soul, a creature is found to break you down.

Too much in love, overpowered and defeated, I have been trying to rise. Love has no mercy. Yet the golden steps of the tower are there only for those who have already accepted the eternal knock-down.

Alone, with face buried deep in the basement of pain and loss, amidst the vertigo of sorrow, I seem to hear the roar of the duende that I really have to struggle with. The East conveniently reminds that, if seen from the abyss, things look big and if seen from the peak, small.

I offer to your attention and your feelings some of the results of my struggle. These are studies and notes of the painful process of sublimation, that is of the eradication, separation and transfer of the object of inspiration from the realm of the real (file 1) to the realm of art (file 2). God is to be found in both files but not in equal quantities. He keeps turning the files upside down and dislocating their contents when and as He wishes; He heats them up as much as it takes to fuse them and burn down what was written. He opens new files. When He so wishes.

So you should not be wondering why everything is inside out. A mature person continuously "dissolves" and builds herself up "inside out". Alchemical soul processes and attempts at an OPUS.

One`s love for someone would be nothing more than a beautiful transitory accident if deprived of metaphysical and moral values. These assist to mould the souls of the participants. If not for this forming and transforming, they would be left with only a game of reflexions and fading memories.

The possibility of pure happiness in reality was sent to us but I failed, like Psyche failed with Eros. I was na?ve enough to hope that this time I may get away with it. But the unknown Deity hastily modified the contract with the Absolute. It was forbidden to the object of my love to love me the way I want; it was even given orders to let me down carefully and, if possible, with no pain!

Love cuts one into thousands of pieces which cannot be brought together again. Yet one can lock herself in the alembic of self-knowledge and boil to black until the Old king burns away and the white dove emerges from one`s soul. One may also tread the path of accelerated spiritual growth where the air is rather thin. But for an ordinary artist like myself this is too difficult.

That is why the artist paints and writes songs born of the love that is leaving and shares her dinner with the loss and the longing, the madness and the melancholic ecstasy, magic, joy and love. And does all that respectfully and gratefully. "Spiritual mission has many faces - religion, art, drugs, work, money, sex - but only rarely the service of God is so direct and the pleasure - so great", says Nick Cave about his love songs and I sing along even though I cannot sing (apart from Happy Birthday to friends over the phone. It must be funny because all of them, with no exception, laugh.)

Probably you feel like laughing too. If you also take into account the discovery that loving a human creature and loving God are the manifestation of one and the same effort, all that becomes even stranger and funnier. But this does not mean it is not true. Jealous people and saints alike long to suffer and suffer and do not think it is funny. Yet the second ones are ridiculous, the first ones are canonized.

Well, that`s it. They say God is power and love and there no love is in vain. These are some of my fruits, perhaps they are not good for every taste but they are mine. They are a bit na?ve because of their sincerity and I beg your pardon for that and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The spirit of Salvador Dali reminds us that "some artists paint what they can, others - what they want."





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